Maybe reason being I keep to myself too much or maybe I'm just afraid. I cannot let out everything like before, knowing that A LOT more people are reading and…oh, I don't know, I just can't tell everyone how I feel…it's just not right for me. One part is me not wanting THAT many people worrying about me. I just don't want everyone to know me inside out. That is just plain scary. Yes, I'd rather face the dragon from Sleeping Beauty then write out what really is inside of this heart my mine. I just can't do the same as I did before. If I had written this post there. There would be questions like why can't I do that, don't you trust us enough?
For me to completely trust someone is hard. There would always be doubt in the back of my mind and it would bug me like an irritating fly. This made me to think that people don't trust me that much either. I'm not God, I don't know whether people place their trust in me or not, I can't tell what they think of me each time I do something stupid or make a complete fool of myself. I remember every single stupid thing that I've done in front of others. Each and everyone. And sometimes, I would just stare into space and start thinking about them, which would make me feel that I'm really an embarrassment to this world…to myself. I even remember stuff from my kindergarten years. Stuff that I've done that I think is embarrassing to me.
Yes, I care too much about other people's opinion too much that sometimes I forget myself. I want them to feel most at ease with me and make others happier…only to leave out the me and neglect what ever feelings that I have. This life, I'm not living for myself. I'm living for the people around me. I want to see their smiling faces and know that they trust me as much as I do. And not treat me like some outsider that can never be included.
I still recall that period that for the longest time I had no actual friend that I can talk to. Those lunchbox days that I scooted to a secluded corner to eat and talk to myself. Hiding when someone is round the corner. I cried everyday, thinking what is wrong with me. At first I thought that it was the others that are at fault that I have no friends and my mistake that I had made such friends in the first place. Then I realised that it was me. There was something in me that seem to put of people and potential friends. They wouldn't call me their friend but rather classmate. Introducing me to their mum as their classmate, but never as a friend.
Now, I have friends that I can fall upon but I still habour that feeling that others are not as friendly to me.
AND FINALLY! I CAN POST AS MANY SS PICS AS I WANT!
EVEN THOSE HET ONES!
